The Story of This Blog, Part "Dough"

So by now you have hopefully read Part One of my story.  If you haven't, please do.  You need to read that part first for this post to make any sense. 

Let me first begin by saying thank you.  I was so nervous to post this, because you never know how people will react.  Will they think of me differently?  Will there be virtual crickets?  The response has been so incredibly overwhelming and truly humbling.  Your messages and your comments make it so worth sharing this journey.

Part Two of my story is the flip side of Part One unfortunately, and for me this phase was much harder on me than Part One.  This is the part that no one ever talks about or wants to admit to.  To be honest I was almost thinking about skipping this part.  But then you wouldn't get the whole story.  And what about those girls who have experienced this part?   Not including this part of my journey would only reinforce the idea that it's okay for no one to discuss this subject.  It would be like me saying that it's something that you should still be ashamed of even after you overcome it.  I labeled it Part Dough because that play on words so accurately describes my addiction with food that began.  After about 6 months of struggling with not eating, I went to the other end of the spectrum.

When the switch hit, it hit hard.  One day I brought home a batch of chocolate chip cookies that my mom had sent back to Athens with me (most likely in hopes that I would finally put some food in my mouth and gain a few much needed pounds back).  I hadn't eaten anything but Diet Coke, popcorn, salad and hot chocolate for so long that the thought of putting anything with a significant calorie count in my mouth absolutely terrified me.  So I started with just a bite, and managed to finish that cookie.  But then something happened.  A frenzy began.  Before I knew it I had eaten the ENTIRE batch.  Yes, that would be about 20 cookies.  And it felt wonderful.

It had been so long since I had really tasted any food or filled my stomach that I just couldn't stop.  The feeling of fullness in my stomach did indeed make me feel sick, but it was so comforting in the most twisted way.  I had felt empty for so long that those 20 cookies temporarily numbed this empty feeling.  I've never tried any sort of drug, but I'm pretty sure that the high I got from that protective feeling that food gave me is sort of what it might feel like.

I wish I could say that this was a one time thing and I swiftly began the road to recovering and healthy eating, but this wasn't the case.  Now instead of not eating, I started this awful cycle of bingeing. Eating became an addiction.  I would go to Zaxby's and order 3 full dinner plates and eat every.single.bite.  I worried that the cashier might get suspicious so I would write down the order on a piece of paper before I came in and read it off so that they would think I was ordering for a group.

My mom would ask where all of her baking chocolate had gone.  She had purchased several of those large value packs of bars for cooking and they were all gone.  I would tell her I had used them for a new recipe because I couldn't bare to tell her that I had snuck down to the pantry after everyone went to bed and had taken Lord knows how many pounds worth of chocolate back to my room and devoured every piece.  I would eat until I thought my stomach would literally pop.  I would eat until every inch of my body was swollen from the sudden onslaught of calories and sodium.  Looking back I don't know how in the world it was humanly possible to consume the amount of food that I did.  Every type of yummy food you can think of I have a story about.  Blizzards?  Yep.  Peanut Butter M&M's? Yes again.  McDonalds burgers?  You betcha.

There is a very distinct difference though between overeating and bingeing.  The thing that makes bingeing so awful isn't just the amount of food that you eat, but the state of mind that you are in when you do so.  Of course everyone has days where all they want to do is eat everything in sight.  By bingeing I don't mean that you sit down on the couch and then realize that you have eaten the whole bag of chips.  Oops.  I don't mean that you've eaten ice cream every day in a row for a week because you just love it that much.  I mean that you are completely consumed with thoughts of food and that you're ashamed of it.  You don't think of how badly you want that piece of cake.  That's perfectly normal to do.  You think of how badly you want to sneak off into privacy with the entire cake and eat every bite without anyone finding out.  And that when you go to the grocery store to buy that cake you plan on devouring you're going to pick up some cookies and a jumbo-sized value pack of Skittles.  When you get to the checkout you've decided that you'll act like you're hosting a party, because why on earth would someone buy all that food just for themselves?  You want food not because of hunger or because of a sugar craving you're having.  You want food because it fills some other void and makes you feel safe.  Food fills that void and doesn't talk back or ask questions.  It fills that void and doesn't ask for anything in return.

This is the part of eating disorders that no one talks about.  People can talk about and admit to anorexia because that involves skinny people who can fit into small sizes and have great looking legs and flat stomachs.  Even though anorexics are not healthy, they are in control.  Bingeing isn't sexy.  Who would want to admit to stuffing their face uncontrollably and gaining tons of weight?  Ew.  That's disgusting.  Instead of solving the real issue, I now used food in the exact opposite way to fill the void that was still there.  It's like putting a butterfly band-aid on a war wound and thinking that you won't bleed out.

The bingeing wasn't necessarily the worst part of it though.  The worst part was when I freaked out after realizing what I ate.  A few times I felt so sick I tried to throw up, but apparently my body just won't.  I'm ashamed to admit that no matter how far I stuck my finger down my throat nothing came up.  I would google how to make yourself throw up and try every tip imaginable because my stomach hurt so badly.  Nope.  No luck.  So the only option I could come up with was to not eat anything for the next few days.  And thus the cycle went.  Binge, then eat nothing but broth or coffee for 3 days.  And of course go work out like a mad woman to burn off everything.  Then I would be so hungry the cycle would start over again.

After several months of this I had put on 50 pounds.  Yes, you read that right.  Fifty.  As in half of one hundred.  You can't imagine what this does to your self esteem or body image to go from one extreme to another.  I only had one pair of jeans from high school that would fit.  They were supposed to be oversized, baggy wide leg jeans, but they fit me like regular, tight boot cuts.  So I would wear those and a coat wherever I went to disguise the gain.  It would be 78 degrees outside and I still had that darn pea coat on.  I would be pouring sweat, but I would rather bear that than risk someone possibly seeing that I had packed on so much weight in such a short about of time.

Some friends and family in my life say they never noticed this rather large weight gain.  Some may truthfully not have noticed just how much weight I gained.  But I know some people did.  I remember when I would walk in a room that people would first glance down at my thighs instead of my face.  This would only lead to me feeling even worse about myself, which would in turn lead to eating more.

This period of my life lasted longer than the first part of my struggle.  It took me about a year and a half to actually address the issues that  caused everything in the first place.  I'll talk about the sweet, amazing process of recovery in my post tomorrow night.....

The Story of This Blog, Part One

So I've been contemplating writing this post about my relationship with food and why exactly I feel the way I do about it for quite some time now.  I've wanted to share the story of how this blog came about.  As you can tell, I absolutely adore food (particularly sweets).  I believe it's good to indulge a little every now and then.  But my relationship with food has been a journey over many years with many highs and lows.  I know I can't be the only person with such experiences, so it's been on my heart to share my story.  Also, this is something that I dealt with so many years ago that, by this point, I feel comfortable talking about it.  And it's not all bad.  I definitely came out much stronger on the other side, and I will certainly go into that as well.  Some of you may think of this as over sharing, but even if just one person who reads this can relate to some aspect of it, then my sharing will be worth it to me.

*Disclaimer:  I was originally going to do one short snippet on this topic, but after writing a novel that just covered a portion of my story, I decided to break this up into segments.  Keep reading for Part One.....

Through high school I never really thought much about what I ate, or didn't eat for that matter.  My typical day might consist of a biscuit from Stoney's, a Zaxby's chicken finger basket with fries for lunch, a blizzard right before cheerleading practice, and then whatever mom cooked for dinner.  And maybe if I was still hungry I would eat another bowl of ice cream topped with caramel syrup and sprinkles for a bedtime snack.  Healthy?  Certainly not.  But for some reason my diet or weight never bothered me.  It wasn't something I stressed over, and I certainly never felt guilty about the insanely large amount of fat and calories I shoveled into my mouth every day.

When I got to college my freshman year I wasn't happy with my weight per se, but it still wasn't anything I put too much effort or thought into.  I won't go into the details, but during undergrad I went through an incredibly difficult period that left me feeling unbelievably rejected and unworthy.  I suddenly questioned everything about me with regards to my physical appearance.  I felt that I wasn't enough of anything.....not pretty enough, not thin enough, not outgoing enough....I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.  For the first time in my life I began picking every aspect of myself apart and conjuring up ways that I could "fix" each and every thing.

I decided that the only way to fix things was to make myself as thin as the person I felt I was being compared to.  Thinner than the person I felt I had lost to.  Even though deep down I know I hadn't "lost" to anyone, that's how I felt.  Because I was in such a dark place already, I didn't have much of an appetite in the first place, which made the whole endeavor fairly easy.  In fact, the huge majority of the time I truly didn't feel like eating anything at all.

First it was losing just 5 pounds.  I began getting compliments from everyone about how great I looked, which only reinforced my thought process that the thinner I got the better things would be.  But then it became an obsession.  I would step on the scale each morning to see how much lighter I had become within the past 24 hours.  If the needle hadn't moved, it was going to be a bad day.  Most days I wouldn't eat more than 600-700 calories to ensure that the needle would indeed move.  And because not eating makes you hungry I would sleep an insane amount of hours each day.  After all, it's easier to deal with hunger when you're not awake.  I also slept so much because I had absolutely zero energy.

I always hear people say that eating disorders are about control.  Also, let me interject here and say that it took me YEARS to be able to say "eating disorder" out loud.  I felt like saying that out loud officially meant that I had issues.  And I certainly didn't think of myself as the type of person to have such issues.   Okay, now back to my point.....People say that it's not really about wanting to be thinner, but about wanting to control something in your life because everything else seems so out of control.  For me, it was a combination of both.  I loved the fact that I could stubbornly decide to ignore any grumbling of my stomach.  I had the willpower to bypass the sandwich for dinner and opt for a small cup of hot cocoa instead.

But at the same time I did want to get smaller.  I wanted to disappear, both physically and emotionally.  And not eating felt like the best way to accomplish both, because it both physically and psychologically gave me this feeling of fading away.  And I loved that.

But then all of the sudden the compliments stopped, and the comments of concern started coming.  At the time though I honestly never saw myself as thin, so the comments never registered with me.  Even when my dress size hit a 00 I still would fret while getting dressed that everything made me look chunky.  It's an incredibly warped frame of mind; a true body dysmorphic experience where you look in the mirror and instead of seeing all of the bones jutting out, you see a myriad of imperfections that you, yourself create.

It's also a very exhausting place to be.  Making sure that any time you are around friends or family that you're eating enough so that they don't get concerned.  Which means that the rest of the day you can't eat anything.  It was exhausting trying to keep up such a restrictive eating pattern, and it was exhausting trying to keep up this image of "yes, I'm healthy.  See, I even ate a salad when we went out."

And of course at some point or another it becomes so exhausting you can no longer sustain the pattern.  And then the recovery process begins.  Or, rather for me, a swift flip in the other direction began.

I'll share more of that, as well as the rest of my story (and there is certainly more) in my next post.....stay tuned for a post tomorrow.

Vegan Chocolate Cake with (Non-Vegan) Strawberry Frosting

For my sister's 22 birthday (which was in October....I told you I was behind), she requested a vegan chocolate cake.  Yikes!  I must admit this request made me quite nervous from the get-go.  I have never made anything vegan and the few vegan dessert recipes I have tried left something to be desired.  But, since it was her birthday, I obliged.

The one thing that made me feel slightly better about this endeavor was that the recipe was for The Grit's Chocolate Vegan Death cake.  I've been to The Grit once before with my sister and must admit that their lemon poppyseed cake was phenomenal.  And not just phenomenal for a vegan cake, but just plain amazing.

We couldn't decide what flavor frosting to use and toyed around with the idea of chocolate, cream cheese, and raspberry.  Chocolate seemed to rich to pile onto a cake by the name of "Chocolate Death", so we opted for a strawberry frosting from the ever so wonderful Paula Deen.

I really enjoyed trying something different, because I feel like I often stick to my tried and true favorites (red velvet and italian cream), but I will have to admit that this cake was quite frustrating.  While the flavor of the cake exceeded my expectations, the crumb was so tender and the cake was so moist that the layers didn't want to stay intact.  Any time I transfered them they began to crumble.  And to top it off, the frosting, while also incredibly tasty, wouldn't ever thicken enough and therefore kept wanting to slide off the cake.  Thus, the whole thing had to be refrigerated to keep it together :(

Still, despite all of this I would recommend this cake recipe to be used for cupcakes.  That way you wouldn't have to worry about the cake being so tender.

To top off the cake I decided to try my hand at making some gum paste flowers.  While they weren't Food Network worthy, I was fairly pleased with my first try.  The moral of the story: don't be intimidated by trying new things!

Chocolate Vegan Death Cake
From the Grit
4 1/2 C all purpose flour
3 C sugar
1 C cocoa powder
1 Tbsp baking soda
2 Tsp salt
1 1/2 C vegetable oil
2 Tbsp pure vanilla extract
3 C strong brewed coffee
1/4 C cider vinegar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease and flour 3 9-inch cake pans.

Sift together dry ingredients in large bowl.  Add oil and vanilla.  Blend together at a low speed until fully combined.  Switch mixer to medium speed and gradually add coffee.  When mixture is smooth, add cider vinegar and blend on low speed until just combined.

Divide batter evenly into prepared pans.  Bake 20-25 minutes or until toothpick inserted into the center of the layers comes out clean.

Remove to wire rack and let cool.

Strawberry Cream Cheese Frosting
From Paula Deen
1/4 C butter, softened
1 8-oz package cream cheese, softened
1 10-oz package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed and pureed
1/2 tsp strawberry extract
7 C confectioners sugar

In medium bowl, beat butter and cream cheese until smooth.  Beat in 1/4 C strawberry puree (*please note that you do NOT use the whole package) and the strawberry extract.  Gradually add confectioners sugar and beat until smooth.

Gumpast Flowers


For the flowers I used Wilton's Gumpaste mix.  Love, love, LOVE this stuff.  It makes the whole process so easy.  Just follow the directions on the can and add your own coloring if desired.

To form the flowers I used two different size heart shape cookie cutters.  Roll out the gumpaste onto a surface floured with confectioners sugar and then use the cookie cutters to form the hearts.

Layer the hearts in an overlapping pattern to form the petals of the flowers.  Use a dab of water to adhere the hearts to each other.  Then gently place the flower into a muffin tin after cupping into a flower shape.  The muffin tin will hold the flower in place so that it will dry in such a shape.

**Please note that ideally you would use a Wilton flower forming mold.  I did not have any on hand and thus improvised with a muffin tin :)  I would certainly have achieved better results had I had the mold.

Well Owl Be....It's 2012!

Okay, a confession about my confections: if you haven't noticed I've taken a break from blogging that has lasted over a month and a half.  I got in this rut where, while I did indeed cook, I never got around to uploading the photos or posting on here about them.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've been planning a wedding and have a lot of other stuff on my mind.  So sorry!

I figured for my first post back I should do something fun, and thus I'm bringing these adorable owl cupcakes to you.  My sister, Sarah Beth, is slightly obsessed with owls and I made these for her birthday.  I just love these little guys!  This is such an easy and fun project that is perfect for anyone ages 5-95.

All you need are some double stuffed Oreos, Reese's Pieces, Junior Mints and then your favorite cupcakes and chocolate frosting.  I cheated and used boxed Devils Food mix and canned icing.  It made the whole process slightly easier :)

After making the cupcakes and letting them cool, spread frosting over the cupcakes.  Make sure that the frosting on top is even, which will ensure that the "owl" part of this project is much easier.

Make the eyes first by twisting apart the Oreos.  *If you don't get double stuff the icing will be too thin and you won't be able to get a clean break.*  Then use a dab of frosting to adhere the Junior Mints to the frosted side of the Oreo halves.  Carefully press the Oreos onto the cupcakes.

To make the ears, cut in half the other portion of the oreo (the half without the vanilla frosting).  Press these two pieces above the eyes of the owl.  Then pipe chocolate frosting over them to make the feathers.

The last part is the beak.  Press a Reese's Piece in the middle of the cupcake below the eyes.

Tada!!  How cute are these guys?!  Definitely play around with the positioning of the Junior Mints to change up their expressions.

PS: I did *not* use double stuffed Oreos, and as you can see I had a hard time getting the frosting to stay completely on one side of the Oreos for the eyes......let's just say it was a point of frustration.

On another note...it's 2012!!  I can't hardly believe how fast this year has flown by.  For 2012 I have a few things on my bucket list to cook....

-Pound cake (can you believe I've never made one?  Ever?)
-Chicken and Dumplings
-Homemade Girl Scout cookies
-Creme Brulee
-Hi Hat Cupcakes
-Cake pops
-Chicken Enchiladas
-Tres Leche Cake
-Sweet Potato Biscuits
-14 Layer Cake

What's on your list for 2012?

Honey Dijon Pork Loin with Veggies

Most of the time I feature confections loaded with sugar on this site (hey, I've got to stay true to my title), but for this post I'm bringing you something you could actually eat without going into a sugar coma.  I love honey and mustard together, and I think pork is such a great alternative to chicken....thus, honey dijon pork!

Another great thing about this meal is it's done all in one dish.  Adding some vegetables into the bottom of the pan allows the juices from the pork to marinate them throughout the time in the oven.   I'm sure you could also add some herbs to the veggies as well if you're looking for even more flavor.

Honey Dijon Pork Loin with Veggies
1 3-4lb pork loin, boneless
2 tbsp white wine vinegar
3/4 C Dijon mustard
2 tbsp honey
1 tbsp freshly chopped parsley leaves
1 tbsp freshly chopped chives
1 tbsp freshly chopped tarragon leaves
3 tbsp canola oil
Salt and pepper
Fresh "roasting" vegetables (I used carrots, onions and potatoes)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Season the pork with salt and pepper to taste and set aside.   Combine vinegar, mustard, honey and herbs in medium bowl and set aside.

Cut vegetables into even pieces and place in the bottom of pan lined with tin foil and misted lightly with pam (makes for an easy clean up).  Sprinkle vegetables with salt and pepper.  Set aside.

*If you are using larger cuts of vegetables go ahead and let them get a head start on cooking while you prep your pork.  Larger portions of vegetables take some time to cook all the way through and might not be done within the 30 minutes alloted for the pork*

Heat canola oil in sautee pan over medium-high heat.  Sear pork loin evenly on all sides.  This seals all of the juices in so that the pork stays nice and flavorful!

Brush pork loin with mustard and honey mixture and place directly on top of vegetables in roasting pan.   Cook at 350 degrees for  approximately 30 minutes.   Remove from oven and let rest before slicing and serving.

Ready to go with the mustard and honey sauce.

*Please note that cooking times may vary greatly depending on the size of the pork loin.  To be safe, make sure that the internal temperature of the pork is 145 degrees.

DELICIOUS!!

Red Velvet Layer Cake

My mom's birthday (I won't tell you which) was this past week and for her big day she requested none other than a red velvet cake.  Red velvet is her absolute favorite and is subsequently my favorite as well.  Something about the bright red color just makes it taste better.

A while back I posted about making red velvet cupcakes.  You can revisit that post here.  The cupcakes were super moist, but almost too moist (if that's even possible).  As a result I reduced the vegetable oil to 1 1 1/4 C which fixed the issue.

Red Velvet Cake
2 1/2 C cake flour
1 1/2 C sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tbsp cocoa powder
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 1/4 C vegetable oil
1 C buttermilk
2 tbsp red food coloring
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp white distilled vinegar


Cream Cheese Frosting
8 oz cream cheese
1/2 C unsalted butter, softened
4 C confectioners sugar
1 tsp vanilla
*I doubled this recipe for the cake


Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease and flour 3 9-inch cake pans and set aside.  


Sift together flour, sugar, baking soda, cocoa and salt in medium bowl.  Beat eggs, oil, buttermilk, food coloring, vanilla and vinegar in electric mixer until well combined.  Slowly add dry ingredients and beat until smooth, about 2 minutes.


Divide batter evenly among prepared cake pans.  Bake in preheated oven for approximately 18 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into center of cake comes out clean.  Turn the cakes out onto wire cooling racks and let cool completely.


When the layers are almost completely cooled you can begin the frosting.  I usually combine the butter, cream cheese and vanilla first and then gradually add the confectioners sugar.  This keeps you from being consumed in a big poof of sugar if you were to add all 4 cups at once.


Next is one of the most important steps of making a layer cake: leveling the cake.  I'm a little ashamed to admit this is a step I had skipped in the past, but it really does make such a big difference when it comes to making sure each of the layers are even.  When the layers are even they stack perfectly so that you don't have a lopsided or droopy cake.

A leveled cake on the left vs an unleveled one on the right.

Next up is the actual stacking of the layers.  I always place the top of layer (the leveled side) down to cut down on the number of crumbs I have to worry about.

Sandwich the frosting between the layers. *Notice the layers are top side down*

One of the best ways to get an even coat of frosting is to do a crumb coat first.  Simply cover the three layers with a thin coat of frosting (it doesn't have to be neat) and then place in the fridge for approximately 10 minutes.

This crumb coat ensures you a nice clean and firm (and crumb free) base on which to distribute the remaining frosting.

For this cake I decided to try something a bit different since it is a birthday cake after all.  I don't have fancy decorating skills, but loved the idea of rosettes covering the cake.  Wilton's 1M tip is perfect for this.  

After covering your cake with a crumb coat, go over it one more time to make sure you cannot see any cake peaking through.  Then use a piping bag with the 1M tip to pipe swirls (rosettes) all over the cake.

Voila!!!

Time to dig in!

And the inside of course.  This photo is much more true to color....I used a

different lens on all of the other shots.

On another note, I plan to begin selling my cakes next week.  Which means.....more cake recipes to come!! Stay tuned!!

Parmesan Garlic Knots

Today I bring you these amazing Parmesan Garlic Knots.  I'm pretty sure I haven't been this excited to share a recipe in quite a while.  They are simply to.die.for and are highly addictive.

I discovered the recipe while sifting through Pinterest.  FYI:  If you haven't already discovered Pinterest STAY AWAY!! You will get sucked in and any productivity you previously possessed will poof into oblivion.   But if you would still like to check it out you can do so here.  But don't say I didn't warn you.

This recipe takes canned biscuit mix and doctors it up, and voila!  You have delicious, incredibly flavorful dinner "rolls".  The best part is that it only takes about 5 minutes to prep.  But because they turn out so lovely everyone thinks you slaved away in the kitchen making them :)

Parmesan Garlic Knots
1 tube refrigerated buttermilk biscuits
1/4 cup canola oil
3 tbsp grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried parsley flakes

Roll each biscuit into a rope and tie into a knot.  Tuck the ends under.

The steps to make the knots....easy as pie.

Combine all remaining ingredients and brush knots with mixture.  Bake knots according the packaging instructions.  If desired, brush them with any remaining mixture after baking.

ENJOY!! :)